Infertility, grief and COVID-19

Struggling to get pregnant can be extremely stressful at the best of times. And now we have the additional uncertainty of COVID-19 in our lives.

With many fertility treatments unavailable, you may be feeling frustrated, angry, fearful or sad. If you were nearing a decision to stop treatment, you may even feel relief that the decision was taken out of your hands.

If you are feeling self-conscious about your response to this event - or belittling your experience compared to those directly affected by COVID-19 - give yourself a break. These are not ordinary times. Many of us are dealing with multiple layers of worry and anxiety right now, and as Professor Jane Fisher and Dr Maggie Kirkman of Monash University wrote this month, you may be experiencing “disenfranchised grief”.

Unlike grief from say the death of a relative, disenfranchised grief refers to experiences of loss that might not be recognised by you or others.

“As with recognised grief, disenfranchised grief is accompanied by disbelief and shock, yearning for reality to be different or as it was before the loss, and then uncertainty and sadness as reality grows,” the pair wrote in Lens.

“The process is more difficult because unrecognised losses tend not to attract increased social support or rituals. They can be isolating and induce powerlessness, rather than the problem-solving that's needed to reduce the psychological pain.”

At the same time, you may have lost other things: your job, intimacy with your partner, your holiday plans, your daily rituals, your ability to plan, and physical access to the people who support you. Many of us are grieving such losses and what we may lose in the future. Grief doesn’t follow stages and we can get stuck in it, or loop back and forward.

If you have been dealing with infertility for a while, you might feel:

· Denial – “This virus isn’t going to affect my fertility treatment.”

· Anger – “I have to stay home and can’t go out AND I can’t access treatment. This is so unfair.”

· Bargaining – “If I do the right thing, I will be able to get pregnant during my next cycle.”

· Sadness – “I will never be able to have a baby now that my treatment has been delayed.”

· Acceptance – “I have to deal with what is happening right now and work out how to best cope”.

Acceptance is hard but it does help us regain control. So, what can you do to get there and help yourself feel better?

Try to stay in the present. We tend to imagine the very worst scenarios and focus and ruminate on them. Try to bring yourself back to what is happening right now. Have any of the things you feared happened yet? Hopefully not. Breathe. And remind yourself that you are safe and secure.

Try not to concentrate on what you can’t control but on the things that you can do right now. You could try:

· Looking after your health, so you are in the best possible shape for when you can access fertility treatment again.

· Eating well, keeping physically fit and getting enough sleep.

· Expressing yourself through writing, painting, craft or just talking it out.

· Keeping yourself busy by gardening, organising your home, cooking or reading.

· Mindfulness exercises such as meditation or yoga.

· Accessing online support such as IVF forums.

Lastly, remember to acknowledge how you are feeling. You’re allowed to feel sad about not being able to access treatment right now. Pretending you are not feeling that way means your feelings will fester. Once you name the way you’re feeling, it often loses some of its power and passes.

If you need additional help, ask your clinic about a telehealth consultation to discuss what you can do now and in coming months to maximise your chance of a pregnancy in future. You can also ask your clinic to connect you to an experienced fertility counsellor, or you can access a list of private counsellors here.