Journey to parenthood using donated sperm

Announcer:

Donor conception and the single mother. This is program from the Victorian Assisted Reproductive Treatment Authority or VARTA in Victoria, Australia... at VARTA.org.au. And made possible by the Victoria Law Foundation. Important changes to legislation introduced on 1st January 2010 meant that fertile single women can now access Assisted Reproductive Treatment in Victoria. They can now try to have a child using donor sperm treatment. Previously this treatment was only available to single infertile women. This is podcast ONE of a THREE part series -"Dianne's Journey to Parenthood" about a single mother raising a child conceived using donor sperm. What are the issues and challenges that face single women in this situation?

Dianne:

I’m Dianne and I’m a nurse and have been for the last 23 years. I am a single parent. I live out in the west. And I decided to have a child, which turned into two children, and I did it on my own and this is what we’re here to talk about. I decided to have children because I was getting old really. I don’t have a lot of things I’d like to do as far as career, travel and doing things how I want, when I want. And it was getting to a stage where, well OK, my eggs aren’t that good anymore - I’ll give it a go. I’d done everything with my life that I’d wanted to do to that date and this was the next step for me. I wouldn’t be devastated like a lot of couples and like a lot of women if it didn’t work. But I felt that I needed to give it a go.

Announcer:

Dianne's medical history meant that she had to begin IVF or invitro fertilisation treatment using her eggs and donor sperm.

Dianne:

I knew that some people at work had been doing IVF but I wasn’t going to be asking them outright because it was a personal thing to do. I certainly didn’t know any single people that were doing it. The people that I’m talking about had partners and a husband so they were doing it as a couple. No but I’m a fairly independent person. I tend to make my own decisions, yes I can resource things if need be. With this one though it was a decision that I made without too much input from anyone else. I wouldn’t start doing it until maybe your thirties. Mid thirties, that’s when I actually started. The decision whether to use somebody I knew to get pregnant or to use a donor from a clinic, the answer is easy to that I don’t actually know anyone nor have I asked anyone to donate for this purpose. So the answer was easy... I had to use a clinic. The treatment process was quite long and gruelling really. I took it on the chin a bit where... it was a process, it wasn’t something that I had great expectations for and then they were dropped and then they were risen again, and they were dropped. It was appointments that I had to keep. It was all about timing. And it was progressive, it actually took a long time for my first child to get pregnant. To use the word “process” would be quite accurate. Well it wasn’t too difficult to choose a donor. I guess I went for the one who was similar to myself than not. So you know, someone of similar age and intelligence. I like to think that I’m intelligent. Yes I guess intelligence and basic characteristics was what I was looking for. The support that I got during the treatment was obviously from the infertility clinic - the nurses especially. And being a nurse myself I had some sort of rapport going with them anyway. My family didn’t really know that I was doing it at the beginning. But my friends certainly did. I said this is an opportunity that presented itself. It is something that I have wanted to do and I’m going to give it a go. And if it works it works and if it doesn’t I know that I’ve given it a really good go.

Announcer: Dianne's nursing experience told her that IVF could be a long and expensive business.

Dianne:

I had the finances at the time to actually go ahead and do it for a fair amount of time. But you’ve got to put it in perspective what is a fair amount of time. And to be honest, with my first child it was getting up there. She actually took 18 months to conceive. My second child, it took the first go. So they obviously got the formula right. I think it is important to have support from your friends and family. I think family are important, depends how close you are to your family. And I guess if you’ve got an employer that you can approach, that you need a little bit more flexibility, talk to them about it then. How did I feel when I became pregnant? Well I didn’t believe it. You know, 18 months - another day - another month, whatever. Took the pregnancy test; yes it was positive. I don’t believe that, there’s errors in pregnancy tests. So I did it again, it was positive again. I thought yeah, OK, that’s good. It kind of hit me the next morning Yeah, I was a bit excited even though I was feeling a bit crappy. I was happy to tell people after that. People I’m talking about are friends who didn’t already know. Family was a little bit trickier because they just didn’t believe it. They just kept saying; how did you do that? What do you mean? How? How did you do that? That took a bit of repetition I must say to get it to sink in. But after that it was more about worry. It was like you’re on your own, how are you going to support them? And then it was excitement after that. So we had a couple of stages we had to get through before there was excitement. I don’t recall any negative feedback from anybody to be honest. Shock and surprise, concern but not negative, I wouldn’t label it as negative. I got most of my support from my friends. I have a couple of very good friends. One of them at the time was actually living next door to me so we’ve pretty much been through thick and thin. And she was always going to be the main babysitter if you like. So that was my main support and still is to this day. It was hideous being pregnant. Handling the work situation while I was pregnant was a challenge, I did tell my boss after six weeks of being pregnant. You’re obliged to them when you’re 12 weeks pregnant. I had the worst morning sickness ever, I am sure. Tiredness was another issue. But been shift working for many years you tend to be tired anyway. But work was OK. The thing I regretted being was a single person without someone to rub my back, that would’ve been good. But it all sort of took its course. I knew that it would be hard or challenging and I wasn’t let down because my visions were set high. I could almost be accused of being a little bit pessimistic rather than optimistic. And anything great would be a bonus.

Announcer: Donor conception and the single mother. This has been a program from the Victorian Assisted Reproductive Treatment Authority or VARTA in Victoria, Australia at VARTA.org.au. And made possible by the Victoria Law Foundation. Our thanks to Dianne for sharing her story.

Announcer:

Donor conception and the single mother.  This is program from the Victorian Assisted Reproductive Treatment Authority or VARTA in Victoria, Australia... at VARTA.org.au.  And made possible by the Victoria Law Foundation. Important changes to legislation introduced on 1st January 2010 meant that fertile single women can now access Assisted Reproductive Treatment in Victoria. They can now try to have a child using donor sperm treatment. Previously this treatment was only available to single infertile women. This is podcast two of a three part series -"Talking to Children about Donor Conception" -  about a single mother raising a child conceived using donor sperm.  Raising two children without a father being present was always going to be an issue.  There would be a day when Dianne's daughter would wonder then ask about her Dad.  How did Dianne deal with this question?

Dianne:

I pretty much just said; well you do have a Dad it’s just that he doesn’t live with us.  And that was enough at that time.  It gets a little bit trickier when they’re in kinder.  She didn’t go to three year old kinder, she went to four year old kinder where you have Father’s Day activities.  So we would make something for my brother or her uncle. The best way around it was getting hold of the Donor Conception Book which was from the London/UK network which was the biggest help.  It was really, really good because you could expand on what it was saying about it. The book was the main element on how to explain all about this donor conception business. That she does have a Dad, that they don’t live with us, this guy was kind enough to donate a piece of him so that I could have a family of my own.  Her main concern was that she didn’t have a Dad at all, that he just didn’t exist.  So it was up to me to say that she did have a Dad and explained to her that he didn’t live with us. That he has also given his gift to other families as well. If she has a question you answer it, she moves on.  She’s not dwelling on it.  She was quite happy with my explanation and she was quite happy with the book and the fact that it written by a child rather than an adult, so she could relate to that.  In fact she was almost proud of that, she was a little bit different to everybody else.  I explained that we have all sorts of different families with single mums and single Dads and same sex families and this sort of thing.  And that she wasn’t that much different to someone who had a Dad who doesn’t live with them but sees them occasionally.We have taken the book to creche last year so there was no hiding from it then because she really wanted to take the book to explain to everybody.  And I haven’t heard her being teased or anything about it.  She is fairly sensitive and she would tell me if that was actually happening.  She is very confident in how she sees things, it’s just normal for her.  She’s just like everybody else and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Announcer:

We're talking with Dianne, a single mother raising two children born through IVF from donor sperm.  The law in Victoria allows donors, donor recipients and off-spring to apply for access to identifying information. For Diane it meant there was the possibility of making contact with her sperm donor.  And she could apply now when her children were young.

Dianne:

Why did I apply now?

My first child has asked about it so in my own mind I was obliged to follow up any leads that I could. I just didn’t want it to become a big deal for her when she became 18.

Doing it early makes it feel like it’s a normal thing, it’s not a big deal.  When she’s 18 if she happens to find him then it may be a big let down.  I didn’t want it consuming her and now it’s just part of her every day life.

It started off with a couple of emails which turned into a business card and an address which followed a couple of letters and photos which eventually turned into a phone call and meeting up.

What was it like meeting the donor? The donor came with his partner with his new baby, a new baby of four months. 

So I didn’t know whether to shake his hand or kiss him or hug him or thank him or what... I didn’t know.  It was a bit of an awkward silence there for a moment as they all came through the door.  But they went straight for the photos on the wall and compared features I guess between his son and my kids. 

I have become a friend of his on Facebook so I know a little bit more about his life.  And he would know a little bit more about my life and see photos and what have you. If it hadn’t been for Facebook he would probably take quite a long time to get to know.

I have to consider his partner in this whole situation.  It’s just amazing that she’s taken all this on board like it’s nothing.  Not nothing, but she’s very accommodating of the whole situation.

Well finding the donor and meeting up with him has been quite amazing. I’m the first to be amazed.  Like my friends and family are even more amazed. 

Initially all I wanted was his name and a photo really, just to put a name to a face.  And I got so much more.  So they’re excited for me as well. 

Announcer:

Finally, a word from Dianne's donor.  Adrian has a family of his own but he sees the need for Dianne's children to know the truth about their father. And to know him.

Adrian:

I’d like the relationship between our family and their family to keep going.  I agreed to meet this family on the basis that the daughter was interested in meeting me.  I felt that the primary concern was the mental health and well-being of the child. That was my motivational factor to meet them.  And she... It’s interesting to see how or to think how it could evolve, you know, she’s five years old and I’m feeling that in a way I am that father figure I suppose she is looking for or wanting to have in her life I suppose.  It will be interesting to see how the relationship evolves.

And it’s a very interesting experience meeting your donor daughter because you’re not their father, you’re not their parent. You come from quite a different socio economic background, a different set of values.

Dianne:

It’s been a very big journey. One which continues but we certainly had some hurdles and come to some end points as well.  Chapters have closed, new ones have opened.  But I think that the biggest anxiety has been and gone and that is actually conceiving and having children and having the delight and the opportunity to go ahead with the whole venture.  And secondly having a donor that actually wants to have something to do with us.  Very exciting.

Announcer:

Donor conception and the single mother. 

This has been a program from the Victorian Assisted Reproductive Treatment Authority or VARTA in Victoria, Australia at VARTA.org.au.  Made possible by the Victoria Law Foundation.

Our thanks to Diane and Adrian for sharing their story.

The children's book referred to by Diane is "Our Story" available from the Donor Conception Network.org.

Announcer:

Donor conception and the single mother.  This is program THREE of a THREE part series from the Victorian Assisted Reproductive Treatment Authority or VARTA in Victoria, Australia... at VARTA.org.au.  And made possible by the Victoria Law Foundation. In this podcast we hear from a single mother raising a family conceived using donor sperm. Changes to legislation introduced on 1st January 2010 meant that fertile single women can now access Assisted Reproductive Treatment in Victoria. They can now try to have a child using donor sperm treatment. Previously this treatment was only available to single infertile women.

We're talking with Dianne, a single mother raising two children born through IVF from donor sperm.  The law in Victoria allows donors, donor recipients and off-spring to apply for access to identifying information. For Diane it meant there was the possibility of making contact with her sperm donor.  And she could apply now when her children were young.

Dianne:

Why did I apply now?

My first child has asked about it so in my own mind I was obliged to follow up any leads that I could. I just didn’t want it to become a big deal for her when she became 18. Doing it early makes it feel like it’s a normal thing, it’s not a big deal.  When she’s 18 if she happens to find him then it may be a big letdown.  I didn’t want it consuming her and now it’s just part of her everyday life. It started off with a couple of emails which turned into a business card and an address which followed a couple of letters and photos which eventually turned into a phone call and meeting up.

What was it like meeting the donor?

The donor came with his partner with his new baby, a new baby of four months. So I didn’t know whether to shake his hand or kiss him or hug him or thank him or what... I didn’t know.  It was a bit of an awkward silence there for a moment as they all came through the door.  But they went straight for the photos on the wall and compared features I guess between his son and my kids. I have become a friend of his on Facebook so I know a little bit more about his life.  And he would know a little bit more about my life and see photos and what have you.

Dianne:

If it hadn’t been for Facebook he would probably take quite a long time to get to know. I have to consider his partner in this whole situation.  It’s just amazing that she’s taken all this on board like it’s nothing.  Not nothing, but she’s very accommodating of the whole situation. Well finding the donor and meeting up with him has been quite amazing. I’m the first to be amazed.  Like my friends and family are even more amazed. Initially all I wanted was his name and a photo really, just to put a name to a face. And I got so much more.  So they’re excited for me as well. 

Announcer:

Finally, a word from Dianne's donor.  Adrian has a family of his own.  He sees the need for Diane's children to know more about their donor; their biological father. And to know him as a person.  He and his family are now in contact with Diane and her daughters.

Adrian:

I’d like the relationship between our family and their family to keep going.  I agreed to meet this family on the basis that the daughter was interested in meeting me.  I felt that the primary concern was the mental health and well-being of the child. That was my motivational factor to meet them.  And she... It’s interesting to see how or to think how it could evolve, you know, she’s five years old and I’m feeling that in a way I am that father figure I suppose she is looking for or wanting to have in her life I suppose.  It will be interesting to see how the relationship evolves. And it’s a very interesting experience meeting your donor daughter because you’re not their father, you’re not their parent. You come from quite a different socio economic background, a different set of values.

Dianne:

It’s been a very big journey. One which continues but we certainly had some hurdles and come to some end points as well.  Chapters have closed, new ones have opened.  But I think that the biggest anxiety has been and gone and that is actually conceiving and having children and having the delight and the opportunity to go ahead with the whole venture.  And secondly having a donor that actually wants to have something to do with us. Very exciting.

Announcer:

Donor conception and the single mother. This has been a program from the Victorian Assisted Reproductive Treatment Authority or VARTA in Victoria, Australia at VARTA.org.au.  Made possible by the Victoria Law Foundation.

Our thanks to Dianne and Adrian for sharing their story.

If you would like to hear more about Dianne and Adrian and the process of their getting to know each other's see Adrian's story on this website. For more information surrounding assisted reproductive treatment go to VARTA, that's V.A.R.T.A. at varta.org.au.