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It’s their story now and they will tell it to whoever they like.

We told Corin, Scout and Cully about Maisie and Dougal, their donor siblings on a Saturday morning. Cath had already told her kids so we really needed to tell ours.

The three of them were up at the breakfast counter. Corin was on his iPad and I said quite casually: “You know how we’ve talked about the fact that Donor Dave has donated sperm for other families? Well he donated to Maisie and Dougal as well”. There was a bit of a pause then Corin said: “Freaky,” about three times and then: “That’s freaky, but cool”. And then he said: “Can I go back on my iPad now?” Scout does ballet on a Saturday morning and she was keen to get ready. When we told her she just said: “Yeah okay but I don’t really care about donors, I just care about ballet”. And Cully was a bit young for it to mean very much. They certainly all get it now and there’s a great relationship between the five of them.

There was a difficulty with language, because there isn’t a word to describe the relationship between the kids so, when I first told them, I didn’t want to say that they were “half-siblings” because they’re not, except that they are. I was very clear about saying: “We know somebody who also has the same donor”.

Corin’s now twelve and he’s changed the language as he’s got older. When we started talking about it, it was in more abstract terms, then that shifted to “half siblings” and now he will casually talk about Dougal being his “bro”, which is kind of the latest thing. It’s been interesting watching how it’s changed over time. The other interesting thing for us is that we now have absolutely no control over the information. It’s like you can’t be closeted when you have kids, because the kids will out you and it’s the same sort of thing. It’s their story now and they will tell it to whoever they like, and they do. It’s theirs and you can’t hide it or contain it; it’s out there now for the world, which is probably why we are sitting here doing this interview!

-Jacqui

Now that they know, it has become their information

Early in 2013 we attended the annual rainbow families picnic, and ran in to Jacqui. I’d followed Jacqui’s blog for some time, and she often wrote things about her and Sarah’s children that reminded me so much of ours, like: “Why can’t they put their socks on!” or the battle over wearing shoes. Often the things that she wrote reminded me a lot of the things that happened in our house, one suburb away. Jacqui had mentioned on the blog that they had met their donor, and I was curious about that. I took the opportunity to chat to her on the day, and discovered that our donors sounded similar (both living overseas and both travelling to donate).

At the time, my daughter Maisie had been asking about her donor, because kids at school were asking her things like: “Who’s your dad?’” And she’d say: “I don’t have a dad, I have a donor,” and they’d ask who her donor was and she’d say: “I don’t know”. She found it difficult because she didn’t know – but wanted to know - how to answer these questions. She then made the leap: “If Dougal and I have a donor and he donated to other people, then there would be other kids who are related to us”. So I didn’t have to put the idea into her head that she might have donor siblings.

The rainbow family picnic was at a great playground. Maisie and Corin (Jacqui and Sarah’s eldest) were on the flying fox platform talking about ‘Minecraft’. They were standing there together, with their nine or ten year old bravado, and they had eerily similar facial expressions and body language. I thought: “Wow, that’s weird…” but didn’t think much of it until a couple of days later, when I emailed Jacqui about it (thinking it was just my imagination.) - but it turned out that the kids do share a donor.

Now that they know, it has become their information. It’s up to them whom they tell. I heard at parent/teacher interview that Dougal had told the class all about Corin, Scout and Cully and donor Dave. Dougal had acted all cool when I first told him and I thought maybe it didn’t matter to him but clearly it did matter, just not to discuss with me. It matters to his identity and how he’s seen at school.

I think for Maisie and Dougal, particularly after my partner Helen died, it has given them a different dimension of family. It extends their concept of family and whilst there’s a part of their family that is now missing, there are other parts that give them a different sort of family platform.

- Cath

Kids just take it in their stride

The first time Jacqui and I met our donor, he came to our house – it was actually our anniversary. The front door goes, and you’re walking down the hall to meet someone with whom you’ve had a child, but whom you have never met before. It was surreal, but mostly because it was so not weird.

David is a remarkably good donor to have. He doesn’t negate the importance of who he is to the kids or to us, but at the same time he is very clear that his kids are his kids and our kids are our kids.

The kids have always known that they were donor-conceived, and they’ve known that Maisie and Dougal have the same donor for over a year now.

Before Corin’s birthday party last year, we were sitting in the car with two of his best friends. Corin was running through who was coming to the party and he said: “Maisie and Dougal”. Then he said to his two friends: “I might as well tell you, Maisie is my half sister” – I almost drove off the road! It was the first time I had heard him say it and I could see his friends in the backseat, probably thinking: “oh my God”. But Corin just explained it, and Corin’s close friends have always known that Corin had a donor. Kids just take it in their stride.

Corin and I talked about it again last night. We went for a drive and he was talking about how he genuinely loves Maisie and Dougal; he was saying that they’re absolutely more than just friends. Corin is clear that Scout and Cully are his sisters and Maisie is very clear on who her brother is: her brother is Dougal, not Corin, they’re not being raised together. But Corin sees Maisie and Dougal as different than friends. He has his friends whom he loves, but there’s something more with Maisie and Dougal – I see it as sort of like cousins.

What has become really clear with the whole process is that, for the kids, it’s just their reality and no big deal – it’s the grownups around them that don’t always cope very well.

There’s no need for Cath and us to have any kind of relationship, except that we’re friends and we like each other. For the kids, though, now that they have that knowledge, it’s a kind of forever thing – so they will manage it and negotiate it and travel through it over time. And I think it will change over time – it’s their story.

- Sarah

The Lewis family joined the Barnes and Gurney family at Chirnside Park on 3rd January 2015 to celebrate the wedding of Ashley and Rachel

The Lewis family joined the Barnes and Gurney family at Chirnside Park on 3rd January 2015 to celebrate the wedding of Ashley and Rachel. Featured in the photograph is Carol and Doug Lewis-biological grandparents of twins Rachel and Anez. Peter Lewis also appears in this photograph with his newly married daughter Rachel and her husband Ashley.

These photos are an important physical reminder of the strength of love between my Dad and I

I was donor-conceived in 1975 after eight months of attempts. All I know about my biological father is that he was most likely a medical student in 1975. And I have his hands, his freckles and his nose.

My Dad had many issues with his fertility and the repercussions of this coloured his experience of parenting. Having said that, he was, and is the best possible Dad for me.

I was a much-wanted child and I love the preciousness demonstrated in these photos.

- Rose Overberg