People may be curious about whether you used a known or anonymous donor; whether you conceived at home or using a clinic; in Australia or overseas.

In same-sex families, questions may also be asked of how you decided which partner would carry your child or provide sperm. Gay Dads may choose not to reveal who is the biological father of their child born through surrogacy and lesbian Mums may not wish to share information about who the biological mother is.

People may ask questions that appear judgmental or homophobic, but which might just be clumsy, ignorant or not thought through. It can be helpful to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes.

There are a number of scenarios and questions that you may be asked. How you respond is a personal choice. You can find a number of common scenarios below:

• It is common for people to comment on resemblance or ask about your pregnancy. This may feel awkward for you. If someone tells the non-biological parent their child looks like them, you can just smile, or say thank you - you do not have to explain anything more.
• If someone starts up a conversation with a non-biological parent about pregnancy, birth or breastfeeding, you may choose to correct their assumptions - or you may choose not to if that person is a stranger.
• Some parents feel that conversations with others provide a good opportunity to educate people about your family, which can, in turn, have positive outcomes for your children. Talking to people can dispel myths, correct inaccuracies, or just make people feel more at ease with you and your family.
• You may feel that the process of conceiving a child is personal and private and nobody else’s business. You may sometimes need to be very direct with people and explain that certain information is private, off-limits, or belongs to your child.

Children, and especially teenagers, often question:

• Who am I?
• Where did I come from?
• Do I have anything in common with my donor or surrogate?
• For those who do not already know their donor or surrogate: would I like them?
• Why did they (the donor/surrogate) want to help make me?

If children have not already met their donor/surrogate, they may wonder what they are like. This is normal and healthy and does not undermine your role as their parents in any way. You may be curious too. Answer questions as honestly as you can. While it is important to talk about your donor or surrogate with high regard, do not overdo it either - your child may then have unrealistic expectations of their donor or surrogate. Share with your child the information you have available. Support them in applying to the donor conception registers (if in Victoria) or your treating clinic to find out more information.

Below are some examples of what you might say when telling your child their story of coming to be. It is important to use your own words and to adapt it to your child as they develop and begin to be able to understand more complex information. Remember that telling is a process, not a one-off event - what is most important is how you say it, not what you say.

Donor sperm or donor egg (heterosexual parents)

We wanted to have you for so long. We couldn't make you on our own. We needed some help. All babies start from an egg from a woman and sperm from a man and you did too. We went to the doctor and the doctor said that a part of Mum's/Dad's body did not work and we needed some eggs/sperm. A donor offered to give us some of their eggs/sperm to make you. A donor is someone who gives something to someone else to help them (just like a blood, kidney or charity donor). We went to the hospital and the doctor put the eggs/sperm inside Mum and you started to grow. Mum's tummy grew bigger and bigger until you were ready to be born. We will always be your parents. We will always love you and be grateful to our donor for helping us to have you.

Donor sperm (same-sex mothers)

We really wanted to have you and become a family so we went to the doctor who said there was a way for two Mums to have babies. All babies start from a part from the man (sperm) and a part from the woman (egg). We had that egg but we needed some sperm. Your donor, [donor's name] helped us so that we could have you. The doctor put the sperm that [donor's name] gave us inside me and you started to grow. My tummy got bigger and bigger. Mumma was there the whole time and talked to you inside my tummy every day so you knew her voice. Finally you were ready to be born. Mumma and I were so happy to meet you at last. We will always love you and be your parents. [Donor's name] was so happy to have helped us and we are grateful that he helped us make you.

Donor embryo

Mum (and Dad) tried and tried to make you. Sometimes mummies (and daddies) need help from another man and woman (donors) to start a baby. The donors gave us/me a tiny embryo which is the beginning of a baby. It is made from a part from the woman (egg) and a part from the man (sperm). Everyone in the world starts from an embryo and you did too. The embryo was put inside Mum and you kept growing there until you were born.

Double donation (donor egg and donor sperm)

Mum (and Dad) tried and tried to make you. Sometimes mummies (and daddies) need help from another man and woman (donors) to start a baby. A woman gave us/me an egg and a man gave us/me some sperm. This was put inside me and the sperm and egg joined and started to grow... into you! My tummy grew bigger and bigger until you were ready to be born. We are so grateful to our donors who helped us to start you.

Donor egg and surrogacy (same-sex fathers)

Dad and I wanted to have you for so long. To make a baby you need a part from the man (sperm) and a part from the woman (egg) and then you need to put these parts together inside a woman for the baby to grow. We were so lucky that two special women helped us to have you. [Donor's name] gave her egg, and then [Surrogate's name] grew you inside her. We are so proud of you and so happy to be a family at last.

Surrogacy (heterosexual parents)

Mum and Dad tried and tried to have you. To make a baby you need a part from the woman (egg) and a part from the man (sperm) and a safe place for the baby to grow inside a woman (uterus) before it is born. Mum had the eggs and Dad had the sperm but mum's uterus was broken and a baby couldn't grow there. [Surrogate's name] offered to grow you in her uterus for us. The doctor put Mum's egg and Dad's sperm together and they joined to become an embryo. Everyone in the world starts to grow from an embryo. The embryo was then put inside [Surrogate's name]'s uterus and you kept growing there until you were ready to be born. We held [Surrogate's name] hand as she pushed you out and then Mum held you while Dad cut the cord and you were finally ours at last. We are so grateful to [Surrogate's name] for helping us make you. She will always have a special place in our hearts. We will always love you and be your Mum and Dad.

You can find out more information on discovering you are donor- conceived through DNA testing here.

VARTA has professional and supportive staff who can talk with you about your experience and feelings. VARTA staff can also connect you with support groups and help you decide whether there is anything you might like to do with this new information, either immediately or in future. You can find our contact details here.

For donors and partners who have not had children, applications from donor offspring may prompt uncomfortable emotions. For those unable to have children, painful feelings of loss and grief about not being able to be a parent may resurface. However, some people may view a connection with donor offspring as an opportunity to develop a positive new relationship.

For donors and partners who plan to have children but have not yet done so, it may be challenging for the partner to know that any future child they have will not be the first or only child genetically related to their partner.

We asked Australian donor-conceived people what they would like to know about their donors. Here is what they said. The top 10 results were:

1. medical history
2. physical features (photograph)
3. personality traits
4. family tree/history/heritage
5. interests/hobbies/passions
6. if the donor has a partner and/ or child
7. reasons for donating
8. career and job history
9. philosophy for life
10. one message to provide to your offspring.

Data on applications to the Voluntary Register during 2019-20 show there is about a one in three chance of finding a match. That is, a match with somebody you are related to via donor conception who also wants to exchange information or connect. As more people lodge their information on the Voluntary Register, the greater the chance of finding a match.

Regardless of when the donor donated, the donor has no legal rights or obligations to a child born as a result of a donation. Donors are not the legal parent and do not appear on your child’s birth certificate. Donors are not responsible for maintenance or any financial responsibility towards your child.

Donor-conceived people do not have a legal claim on a donor’s estate.

Once they reach 18 years, a donor-conceived person can apply for information held on VARTA’s donor conception registers. Donor- conceived children can also access information earlier if a VARTA counsellor considers them to be sufficiently mature or if they have parental consent. They may also be able to find out if they have any donor siblings and potentially connect with them via the Voluntary Register