Where can I get more help?
Discuss any concerns you have with your partner, close friends or family, known donor or your counsellor. It can also be helpful to contact a support group or hear from others who have had similar experiences.
What can I do to support my family members of friends going through the donor conception process?
Listen to them. Acknowledgement and support go a long way to help non-biological parents feel secure in their role.
I’m in a same-sex relationship. Will my experience be different?
Regardless of the roles in your family, love, commitment and shared values are good building blocks for any family. Most same-sex parents say that while biology can be important it does not affect how they love their children. Gay fathers may not feel the anxieties associated with being a non-biological parent as keenly, or for as long, because they don’t have to deal with issues of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding. While for non-biological lesbian mothers, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding can sometimes be difficult and they may experience feelings of grief and loss or feel excluded. Once the child stops breastfeeding, they often say there is no longer any difference between them and they feel more secure in their role and in their relationship with their child.
What is my role in the family going to look like?
Many non-biological parents worry about their role in the family, particularly their role in relation to their child. This can be challenging for some people, especially in same-sex relationships, as there are no established societal norms for their relationship. Some techniques for overcoming this include sharing the practical parenting responsibilities (e.g. feeding and caring) and time spent parenting. Flexible working arrangements (e.g. working part-time, working from home) can help to share the primary-care role.
Regardless of the roles in your family, love, commitment and shared values are good building blocks for any family.
Will the donor have any parental responsibility for my child?
Recipient parent(s) receiving donor treatment are the legal parent(s) responsible for all parental decisions. Donors have no legal rights or responsibilities in relation to the child.
A common fear is that the donor will not be able to let go of parental responsibility and will want to intrude or interfere with your family. It is important that everyone involved including partners (if any) express how they feel about the arrangement, roles and consent.
How do people describe their donor to their child?
The language used to describe the donor may vary and can include ‘Dad/Mum’ (coparenting), ‘donor Dad/Mum’, the donor’s first name, ‘special helper’, ‘generous man/lady’, ‘nice egg lady’ or some variation. The use of names; the relationship between parent, donor, and child; and the donor’s role and responsibilities are unique to each family.
I want to advertise for a donor. Do you have examples of advertisements?
If you would like to advertise for an egg, sperm or embryo donor, you will need to apply for approval from the Health Minister before it is published. This includes sending your draft advertisement for approval to:
Minister for Health
Department of Health and Human Services GPO BOX 4541
Melbourne VIC 3000
Email Address: art.enquiries@dhhs.vic.gov.au
I am looking for a donor. How do I do this?
Options for finding a donor include using a fertility clinic donor, advertising or using a known donor. If you are using a known donor, consider where, when and how you will raise the topic so that you both feel comfortable here.
Am I going to be able to bond with my child if I’m not genetically related to them?
One of the most common concerns shared by non-biological parents is whether they will bond with their baby. However, once their baby is born, many say they are surprised by how easily and quickly they bond and how natural it feels.
Who will be the legal parents and what will the birth certificate state?
Recipient parent(s) receiving the donor treatment are the legal parent(s), responsible for all parental decisions. Donors have no legal rights or responsibilities in relation to the child.
The parent’s name(s) will appear on the birth certificate as the legal parent(s). The donor’s name will not appear on the birth certificate. The Victorian Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages will also mark ‘donor-conceived’ against their record of the child’s birth. When a birth certificate is issued to an adult donor-conceived person conceived from 2010, a second page is attached stating that more information about their birth is available. The second page of the birth certificate can be removed so that it can be used for official purposes, such as applying for a passport, without revealing that they were donor-conceived.
If the donor-conceived person requests more information, they will be informed that their details are on VARTA’s Central Register. If they did not know previously, they will then find out that they were donor-conceived.