Your introductory letter or email is often the first form of contact between someone with whom you are connected by donation. It is best to write a short message that gives some information about you and how you would like the contact to progress.

You may find it is one of the most challenging letters you ever have to write. It may be hard to know what to say. It is important that you:

• write in your own voice
• are honest about what you think and feel
• keep it simple and real
• let your personality shine through
• let the other person know your ideas of what you would like to happen in the future.

Start by introducing yourself. This may be the first information the other person has received about you. It may also be their first introduction to a person with whom they are connected by donation. As you may not know what kind of involvement they wish to have with you, it is better to keep your introduction simple. Consider sharing why you are interested in knowing more about them. You may have already received some non-identifying information about them. This may be a good opportunity to write a few short sentences about what you know or to identify something that the two of you have in common.

What will you call each other? The terminology surrounding donor-conception has not yet evolved enough to describe these kinds of relationships. It is difficult to know what to call each other. The language you use should develop over time if you establish a relationship. Knowing the other person’s first name can help ease this awkwardness. If you do not know their name, you could perhaps address the letter to: ‘Dear donor’, or ‘Dear donor-child’.

Respect the other person’s wishes and feelings. It is good to be open with them as to what you would like, but do not force your ideas upon them. Instead of ‘when can we meet?’ you could say ‘one day, if you’d like to, it would be my hope that we could meet.’ It is likely that one or both of you may be feeling some trepidation about the situation so it’s better to tread lightly in the beginning. You may each prefer to correspond by letter or email for a while before meeting. It is important to reassure each other that you respect each other's feelings and wishes about future contact.

Maintain your boundaries. Remember that you do not know this person yet. While you may be genetically linked, this does not mean that you will get along. It is likely they are very honest and genuine people, but it is sensible to take the usual social etiquette precautions you would normally follow. Until you get to know one another it is best to maintain some boundaries. Only share to the level that you feel comfortable. It is your choice whether you share a photo of yourself or provide your surname.

Social media. Be aware that the more information you provide, the more able the other person is to access information about you via the internet. You may wish to change your privacy setting on your social media accounts.

Keep it simple. Keep the first letter light in tone and short. You do not have to say everything straight away. While you are likely to be extremely curious, it is best not to ask too many questions. Decide on the things that you really want to know. It is also okay to ask for an updated medical history.

A statement of reasons is a short document explaining your motivations and what you would like to happen (both short and long term) as a result of the application. Your completed statement of reasons is forwarded to the contacted party and can help them understand why you are seeking information and/or contact.

• Write in a way which conveys your voice and what you think and feel, so that the other person forms a greater understanding of you as a person. VARTA staff have expertise connecting people linked by donation so they are able to provide helpful feedback.
• Keep it simple and clear. Consider what the other person may like to know about you. As this is likely to be the first information the other person will receive about you (and may be their first introduction to somebody with whom they are connected by donation) it is difficult to know how they will respond to your application. Let the other person know a little bit about yourself. Ensure that the information you share with the other person is what you are comfortable revealing. If there are specific questions you have, this is the time to ask them.
• Respect the other person’s wishes. It takes time to get to know another person and at this very early stage it is sensible to approach things in a respectful and carefully paced manner. For example, instead of stating ‘I want to meet you’, you could say ‘one day, if you’d like to, it would be my hope that we could meet’. It is likely that one or both of you may be feeling some trepidation about the situation so it is advisable to tread lightly in the beginning.
• Be clear about your short-term and long-term goals. It is helpful for the other person to understand how you would like to begin to communicate with each other initially, and if this goes well, in the future. Some people want only medical information or information about cultural background and do not want ongoing contact. Others would like a friendship if they find they enjoy each other's company. People often like to begin to exchange information with each other via email. While some people might use their general email address, others prefer to begin correspondence using a non-identifying email account to protect their privacy. People may also choose to share photographs.
• Social media and internet footprint. The more information you share, the easier it is for the other person to find you on the internet. This is the time to update your social media settings if you want to protect your privacy or if you are a parent and wish to protect your child's privacy.

You can read more about writing your statement of reasons here.

Parents, donor-conceived people and donors can request and receive non-identifying information from VARTA at any time, without the need for consent. This includes:

• physical characteristics – height, eye colour, blood group
• social information – ethnic background, medical history.

Options include:

• treating fertility clinic
• Voluntary register
• Central register.

People linked through donor conception can lodge information via the Voluntary Register. If a match is found all parties will be notified.

The Voluntary Register. If there is a match, VARTA will notify you and the other parties involved. These connections are not possible using the Central Register.

It is important to contact the fertility clinic if you or a close family member is diagnosed with a medical problem that may be passed on to people born as a result of your donation. This may help people take preventive steps such as early screening for the condition.

Yes. If you are at the end of your treatment and have completed your family, you may prefer to donate rather than dispose of your embryos. Whether it is sperm, egg or embryo donation you will need to consider implications for you, your family and the donor recipients. The meaning and significance of embryos are not the same for everyone. Some people feel unable to donate their embryos because they consider them to be potential children and connect them potentially to their existing children. Others feel differently. Make sure both you and your partner are comfortable with your decision before proceeding.

You cannot donate your embryos if they were formed using donor eggs or sperm.

Find out more about what to do with unused embryos here.

You can find out more about what information others can find out about you here.

No.

People who benefit from donation may include couples diagnosed with infertility, single women who want to have a baby on their own or same-sex couples who require a donation to have a baby. Find out more here.

How this may affect you and your family. Will you tell your extended family and friends? Consider the genetic connection to your own children and other members of your extended family.

You will not be a legal parent of a donor-conceived child and will not appear on the birth certificate. You will have no legal rights or obligations to the parent(s) or child born as a result of your donation. How will you feel towards the person/people you help create?

• How this may affect you and your family. Will you tell your extended family and friends? Consider the genetic connection to your own children and other members of your extended family.
• You will not be a legal parent of a donor-conceived child and will not appear on the birth certificate. You will have no legal rights or obligations to the parent(s) or child born as a result of your donation. How will you feel towards the person/people you help create?
• The people to whom you donate may have different values, backgrounds, beliefs, and parenting styles from your own. How do you feel about that?
• The information you would like to share and type of relationship you would like in future with the recipient parents and donor-conceived person.
• If you donate to someone you know, what relationship and contact will you have with the recipient parent(s) and child. What will your role be and what will they call you?